mother

I went to vist my mother/ I think she really likes to see me but it tough to tell because she always looks like a combination of buzzed and scared. She looks this way because she is.

Ma is a pill freak. Pain pills, any kind, Oxys are the best. I try to talk to her but her face looks glazed and her eyes are just points, tiny and unfocused. She slurs a bit sometimes.

I used to yell at her and tell her she is a junkie but it never did any good. Sammy, the guy she has lived with for the last ten years tells me that it really upsets her. He says she used to cry when I left. So now I just go and say hi. I ask a couple of questions and don't get answers. I tell her what I'm doing. I tell her I will bring one of the girls around, but I don't mean it. I don't want any kid to see her this way. It makes me sad.

Ma got started on pills right after Dad left. She got wind that he was driving across town with some babe in his car, so she got obsessed and went to catch him in the act. She tracked him and this woman Carol down and chased them to a stop sign. Dad stopped, Mom didn't. She rammed right into him. The bad part was that she was in a Saturn and he was in his Ford pick-up. She wreckedher car, her back and the marrige.

Dad never really wanted to leave. he was just a charmer and enjoyed some extrra-curricular stuff. He has often told me not to do any of that. I nod and smile.

Mom alwyas asks about him. I try not to answer.

I like Sammy. We watch the Sox together. He's quiet and he drinks, but he's good to Ma.